Team of the tournament
Arguably I could/ should simply type ‘Spain’.
The eventual, deserved champions didn’t have a stand-out player such as Messi, Mbappe, Kane, or Haaland, but they had a host of talents who performed superbly in the collective.
Even so, they have five in my selection, with three from France, and one each from Argentina, England, and Norway.
Enzo Fernandez might have made it into my XI after his headed winner against Egypt and his great equaliser against England, but the Chelsea midfielder’s stupidity cost his country their chance of stealing the trophy.
4-1-2-3:
Simon (Spain);
Porro (Spain), Upamecano (France), Cubarsi, Cucurella (both Spain);
Rodri (Spain);
Bellingham (England), Olise (France);
Messi (Argentina); Haaland (Norway); Mbappe (France).
Best moment
Lautaro Martinez’s headed winner for Argentina against England was the moment which launched me off the sofa and onto my feet applauding.
Not only for the quality of the goal itself, from a rare right-footed assist by the one and only Lionel Messi, but because of its significance, effectively ending English hopes. Whew.
Yet football was never actually ‘coming home’.
In the final, however, the fear was growing that Argentina’s anti-football might prevail, that they could retain the trophy via another penalty shoot-out.
So the Ferran Torres goal was greeted with roars from my son and myself which got my daughter out of bed.
A brilliant strike, from a fabulous assist, it was not only a winner for Spain but for football too.
Most elongated, embarrassing early exit
Scotland.
Jeepers, lads and lassies.
So many people really wanted you to do well. The ‘Tartan Army’ won more admirers – but the team flopped badly.
The early goals given away against Brazil would have shamed a schoolboy with his boots on the wrong feet.
You had one job: to reach the last 32.
Before this year that was known as ‘qualifying for a World Cup’.
And still you couldn’t get out of your group.
Scotland hung on as their hopes dwindled, before accepting their shameful fate.
For the record, it’s worth noting that Northern Ireland reached the last eight in 1958 and the last 12 in 1982.
Just sayin’…
Most badly-treated team
Iran. Obviously.
The most recent country against which the USA has launched an unprovoked war was unlikely to get a fair go, and so it proved.
From some backroom staff being denied visas to the team being forced to stay in Mexico despite having all their group games in the USA, the Islamic Republic of Iran was discriminated against, unfairly.
The VAR-assisted offside decision which denied them a winner against Egypt and a place in the last 32 was correct – but it was cruel, in keeping with how they had been treated by FIFA, which remains in thrall to the USA.
Biggest irony
A racist, white supremacist President (Drumpf of the USA, not ‘Johnny Boy’ of FIFA), in the middle of enacting a policy against ‘birthright citizenship’ forcing FIFA to break its rules for a player who only qualifies for the USA because of… you guessed it… birthright citizenship.
A black player to boot.
Of course Folarin Balogun should not have been sent off, but awful red cards have long occurred in the game, even with VAR in place.
Only one player had previously been allowed to play in the next match after being sent off and, 68 years on, the decision to allow Brazil’s Garrincha to participate in that 1958 World Cup Final is still debated.
There was the added irony of the giant baby who cries about others ‘rigging’ outcomes against him yapping to his obsequious pal in order to rig a decision in his country’s favour.
Happily that did no good, leading to…
Best celebration
The Belgium players doing the double-handed Drumpf hand-jerk ‘dance’ after they had crushed the gutless USA.
A country that can’t even win with long range missiles was blown away by a European team long past its best.
Never A Tastier Outcome.
Fittingly, the 4-1 humiliation inflicted by the Belgians as the USA chickened out of the World Cup came on a Tuesday, the day most associated with TACO Trump.
Best merchandise
Those USA chokers.
Made of solid gold* and encrusted with real diamonds**, these blingy items have the added advantage of keeping ‘Muricans quiet (even those loudmouthed fools who genuinely seemed to believe their team could win the tournament).
At just $999 each, their value is in keeping with the pricing schemes enacted in the United States.
Payment must be in US dollars, not any form of cryptocurrency because, you know, it’s utter BS and a front for money-laundering.
*Neither solid nor gold. Chokers will be a strange orange colour.
**Not real diamonds – but anyone sensible can see right through them.
(Note: Items may not*** actually ever be delivered.)
***will not.
NO REFUNDS.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Best VAR decision
Ruling out a late Germany goal against Paraguay.
Most football fans are as sick, sore, and tired of all the cuddling at corners as the players who have suffered such fouling over the past year in particular.
The man-handling has to stop, and VAR cancelling out the headed ‘goal’ from Jonathan Tah for a soft block on the Paraguayan goalkeeper was extremely harsh – but fair.
Germany’s Waldemar Anton was only interested in blocking the ‘keeper’s movement, not at all thinking about attacking the ball.
So, a foul.
Hopefully that marks the start of a clean sheet at corners.
Ideally there should be a law change to make the ball ‘in play’ from the moment it’s sent down in the corner quadrant. Alternatively, only goalkeepers should be allowed inside the six-yard box for all set pieces – including free kicks and long throws.
No more ‘Wrestlemania’, please.
Most shocking moment
Germany losing a penalty shoot-out.
Not quite an unprecedented event, but the last time it occurred, half a century ago, the scorer of the winning spot-kick saw his name turned into fame – Antonin Panenka of Czechoslovakia in the 1976 European Championship Final.
The sight of the Germans’ mouthy manager Julian ‘Bagelsmann’ reacting in despair to Tah’s skied penalty by covering his face with his over-stretched T-shirt was another delight.
Best goal
That absolute pearler of a curler from Sidny Lopes Cabral of Cape Verde against Argentina.
Everyone expected the underdogs to lose in normal time, but they refused to accept that fate.
When Lisandro Martinez’s classy finish put the holders ahead early in extra time, everyone expected that to be that.
NO ONE expected the Cape Verde left-back to go upfield and deliver a second equaliser, even more stunning than their first, into ‘the postage stamp’.
I’d have been proud of that one myself.
Best game
Argentina-Egypt.
On my week’s holiday in France I had to endure hysterical commentary when someone won the ball in midfield – but this game merited the excited screeching from French TV.
Egypt threatened to dethrone the holders in what would have been a massive shock and were denied a classic counter-attacking goal by a VAR review which began in May.
Yet credit to Argentina for their comeback, and Messi for his leadership.
To be 2-0 down in the 79th minute but win without extra time was a phenomenal fightback.
Best ‘The Likely Lads’ re-enactment
For those of a younger disposition, this relates to avoiding all mentions of a match result in order to watch delayed coverage of the game in full.
Fittingly the winner was an England game, although this one actually took place – the third place play-off/ ‘bronze final’ against France.
I almost made the mistake of switching to the highlights at half-time…
The added bonus to seeing this goal-fest in full was an extension of my attempts at a much-needed ‘digital detox’.
Best team player
Jude Bellingham. No, hear me out.
Given his reputation you’d have expected him to shrug off England manager Thomas Tuchel’s criticism of the team’s display against Mexico, because Bellingham himself was exempt from that due to his two-goal ‘man of the match’ display.
Instead, though, he bridled at those words and bit back.
Better still, he didn’t take the late penalty kick which could have made him England’s record scorer at a World Cup.
Selflessly, he handed the ball to Bukayo Saka so the Arsenal winger could complete his hat-trick.
Then Jude score anyway to exceed the previous tallies of Gary Lineker and Harry Kane.
Most defensive display
The best defensive display was obviously Cape Verde against Spain in their opening group game, which ended goalless.
Argentina in the final took their spoiling approach to the extreme. They didn’t have a shot on target until the 117th minute.
Yet even they weren’t as defensive as England boss Thomas Tuchel, both in the last half-hour of their semi-final but also post-match.
Not only did he – ahem – defend his ultra-negative tactics and substitutions, leading to a 6-4-0 formation with Harry Kane helping out in defence, he doubled down on his blocking in the days afterwards.
Not the merest acknowledgement that he made the slightest mistake, not even when Bukayo Saka scored a hat-trick against France.
Sure, that third place play-off was a less competitive environment, but ‘Star Boy’ was a player Argentina feared – and yet Tuchel didn’t use him in that semi-final.
Biggest turnaround
No, not Argentina against either Egypt or England, although both of those comebacks were hugely impressive.
It was me about ‘Hydration breaks’.
At first I raged against the money-making machine, as most people did.
‘Just call them what they are! Ad breaks!’
Yet the extra intervals did help over-burdened players, most at the end of intense club seasons, especially in punishing heat.
On my holiday in France I struggled to leave the swimming pool or our air-conditioned cabin or air-conditioned hire car.
It became clear that une ‘pause fraicheur’ in each half contributed to the generally very good entertainment in many matches.
Players weren’t ‘dead’/ dehydrated on their feet, but able to actually play.
One point: stop the blooming match clock during those breaks. It’s just silly and annoying to let it run on.
Hy
Fattest, greediest, stupidest fool
You know who.
Best GAA/ soccer comparison
Mostly to tease a hurling-loving friend who’d been dissing this World Cup, I labelled the All-Ireland SHC Final ‘Dull, one-sided fare…’
That description also applied mostly to the World Cup Final, although in the soccer it was the losers who brought the physicality.
Limerick PLC draw admiration at best from me, never love.
Let’s hope Kerry and Mayo can make this Sunday’s All-Ireland SFC decider more like the Qatar 2022 Final.
