Michael Carrick cares not for running more at Manchester United, with Liverpool bottom for distance covered of all Premier League teams so far.
With thanks to Fotmob, we can revel in the Premier League’s new vague obsession with running stats which are largely irrelevant but can be moulded into whichever narrative suits.
20) Liverpool
Andoni Iraola needs to whip those lazy sods into shape. Liverpool have been outrun by each of their Premier and Champions League opponents so far this season, which is obviously more important and relevant than them winning half of those games and remaining unbeaten in the process.
19) Coventry
Frank Lampard is a stickler for The Basics and it feels like running statistics would be among the facets he expects to exploit to level the Premier League playing field. But in chastening defeats to Arsenal and Brighton they were thoroughly battered in terms of both scoreline and physical performance. They matched Nottingham Forest on that front and were rewarded for it.
18) Manchester City
The league leaders have been outrun in almost every game – pipping Crystal Palace by 0.1km at Selhurst Park – but it doesn’t appear to have held them back too much.
17) Aston Villa
Unai Emery’s side have been pretty thoroughly beaten on those four running metrics in every game, the only exception being edging Hull for total sprinting distance in that goalless draw. That win over Spurs must feel pretty hollow now.
16) Manchester United
The apparent Patient Zero for what appears to be a creeping fixation with footballers running. Gary Neville laid into their work ethic against Fulham, but as Michael Carrick once wrote of David Moyes’ pledge to the players as new Manchester United manager to “make you run more”…
‘Our running stats were never that big anyway but we came from behind to claim 29 points that season, so we must have been fairly fit, as well as committed. Our capacity for late goals under Sir Alex showed our endurance physically as well as mentally. David was right that in terms of ‘distance covered’ we weren’t one of the top sides in the Premier League. But if you look back over the years, all the good years, teams might come to Old Trafford and run a lot more than us, but quite often we ended up winning 2-0, 3-0 or 4-0.’
He’s nailed the bit of the DNA which dictates Manchester United don’t run much. But they categorically do not simultaneously often end up winning 2-0, 3-0 or 4-0 anymore.
15) Spurs
It doesn’t feel like darting around more will help a team currently petrified by its own existence.
14) Nottingham Forest
“There is a lot that was coming out – that ‘the players are tired because they are working them too hard’. Since when has that become a currency that is almost like, oh, what are they doing working footballers too hard? The players were working too hard? I have never heard that as being a negative in my life.”
Sean Dyche has definitely enjoyed a few Forest hatewatches this season.
13) Chelsea
Having been outrun in every Premier League game bar one last season – you had one job, Liverpool – there has been a slight upturn in Chelsea’s physical intensity under Xabi Alonso. There’s been an awful lot of shadow chasing and jogging to fetch the ball out of their own net.
12) Everton
Harrison Armstrong is the only player to cover more than 60km in the Premier League this season, the 19-year-old continuing to run as far away from Nottingham Forest as possible. It’s his team-mates letting the side down somewhat; a 12-man squad conserving energy for a 38-game season is admittedly sensible.
11) Hull
Newcastle were the first team to beat Hull on all four aforementioned running and sprinting metrics this season, and it just about showed. The Tigers can clearly maul effectively without draining their stamina reserves too much.
10) Brighton
Pascal Gross ranks second for most distance covered so far this season at his big age; Brighton really are a physically phenomenal force.
9) Leeds
The big brutes at Leeds put in those hard yards too, but it doesn’t seem like there’s any risk of whatever the equivalent to Bielsa burnout is. Farke fatigue?
8) Sunderland
“Robustness is key in this league,” Regis Le Bris once said. “You have to have a specific profile and we can now use data to profile the players. If you don’t have ability to run in your previous league, it will be tough to do so in the Premier League.”
7) Ipswich
No individual Ipswich player is in the top 20 for distance covered, which makes theirs a team effort. Leif Davis is second for total number of sprints (103), and is also probably about four load-managing England withdrawals away from a call-up.
6) Newcastle
Sean Steur ranks first for distance covered per 90 (12.5km) and Matias Fernandez-Pardo is top for sprints per 90 (31.1). That’s the Jaissle effect.
5) Crystal Palace
The only opponent Palace have actually outrun this season was Everton on the opening weekend, so Pierre Sage’s side must have been in a few marathons.
4) Bournemouth
It is deeply unsurprising to see Bournemouth at this end; Marco Rose has retained the traditions of Iraola with the tireless Adrien Truffert completing almost twice as many sprints as any team-mate so far.
3) Brentford
You would, funnily enough, be hard pressed to find a team as absurdly fit, powerful, direct and effective as Brentford.
2) Fulham
Those Real Madrid kids would run through brick walls for Alvaro Arbeloa. Fulham could not hold on to beat Manchester United, but did enjoy being cast as the industrious athletes to those indolent wastrels.
1) Arsenal
It did not help them against Brighton.
