A majority of singles, 73%, intend to use dating apps when seeking significant others this year, according to a recent DatingNews.com survey of 1,000 U.S. adults.
Among the most popular dating apps across the country are Tinder, Bumble and Match, according to research by the company.
While swiping on dating apps can be a little less scary than, say, approaching a stranger at a bar, there are still behaviors you’ll want to avoid when using them, says Sabrina Romanoff, New York-based psychologist and relationship expert at the Hily dating app.
Here’s what she recommends keeping in mind.
Get clear on your values
When you’re looking through profiles, it can be easy to get drawn in by “the person with their shirt off or in a bikini,” says Romanoff. But being attractive is not necessarily an indicator of being a good partner.
That’s why, before you even start swiping, you’ll want to get clear on what it is you’re looking for. Think back on your past relationships and consider what worked, what didn’t and what attracted you to them in the first place, says Romanoff. Did they have nice credentials on paper? Did that lead to a healthy connection? Then decide if you want to change your criteria.
While a dating profile can’t tell you everything, it can give you a sense of what’s important to that person. Ask yourself, are they “leading with their bodies,” says Romanoff, or “are they leading with trying to really showcase who they are?”
Check in with yourself before swiping
You’ll also want to pay attention to how you’re feeling before you dive into these apps.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of “I feel really lonely. I need a distraction. I’m going to scroll on Instagram” or swipe on the dating apps, says Romanoff. But that’s not the headspace that could lead to success.
If the impulse to swipe comes from the need to escape a negative emotion, that could cloud your judgment. It could also leave you more vulnerable to whatever ends up happening on the app (whether or not they match with you, whether or not they message, etc.).
Instead, check in with yourself about how you’re feeling and if you find you’re in a negative headspace, try sitting with that emotion, processing it, maybe taking a walk, says Romanoff. Then sign back onto the apps when you feel calm and collected.
Remember: The apps are not a measure of your worth
Keep in mind, whatever happens on the apps is not a measure of your worth.
Culturally, lots of people were raised on the idea that external validation is a marker of success, says Romanoff. “And that makes dating really hard because if you’re not getting matches, it’s very easy to think, ‘oh, wow, that means there’s something wrong with me,'” she says.
But there are so many factors at play when you swipe that affect whether or not the people you’re interested in even see you, like algorithms and timing, she says. Keep those in mind when that feeling of rejection starts creeping in.
And make sure “to not make dating the global focus of your world,” she says. Cultivate meaningful friendships and invest time in things you love doing. Whatever responses you do or don’t get, these other outlets can help dilute “the highs and lows of that roller coaster.”
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