Jan. 1, 2026, 4:02 a.m. ET
Like most Americans, I enter 2026 concerned about our billionaires. Are they happy? Are their dreams being realized? Are they living in the kind of extravagant comfort to which they’re entitled?
It keeps me up at night.
The year that just ended was a fantastic one for the superwealthy. Forbes described it like this: “Over the past year, the planet has added more than 340 new billionaires ‒ roughly one per day ‒ across the U.S., China, India, Russia and places as far and wide as St. Kitts and Nevis and Albania.
“There are now more billionaires than ever before: a record 3,148, up nearly 50% over the past five years. In 1987, when Forbes published the first ever international ranking, we found just 140 billionaires around the globe.
“And the billionaire population is richer than ever before, too ‒ both in total ($18.7 trillion, up by $10 trillion since 2020) and on average ($5.9 billion, versus $4 billion back then). A record 19 people are now centibillionaires, having amassed fortunes of at least $100 billion; only one, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, was that rich six years ago.”
What a blessing that 2025 was such a banner year for those more fortunate than us. Bloomberg reported that the world’s 500 richest people “added a record $2.2 trillion to their collective fortunes in 2025.”
But with 2025 ending on such a high note for people who can (and should) afford private islands, what will 2026 bring? I fear a letdown, so I’ve assembled some New Year’s resolutions for my billionaire friends in the hope they can manifest joy, greater security and wealth, things they all so richly deserve.
Eschew generosity, as it’s a virtue of the weak
Some billionaires, even in the boom year of 2025, occasionally slipped into acts of accidental generosity or public goodwill. The upper crust must resolve to avoid such mistakes in 2026. Occasionally, saying the words “artificial intelligence” between ski trips is hard work, and the wealthy deserve to cling to their riches and not be suckered into thinking they can make the world better for “others.”
Recite the billionaire mantra: “My presence is present enough, my presence is present enough, my presence is present enough …”
Build larger walls around mansions to keep out the poor
Obviously, one of the main fears billionaires live with is being eaten by a poor person. With the uberwealthy getting richer in 2025 by occasionally shouting “AI!” and with normal-people food prices continuing to rise, the threat of “eat the rich” becoming a reality grew considerably. That will continue in 2026, so all billionaires must resolve to increase the exterior wall height around their mansions to keep out hungry poors.
The other option would be to help create a system in which poors don’t struggle to afford food, but that would violate the previous resolution, and the wall thing is just a lot easier.
Maintain superyacht superiority by finding next level of superyacht
One of the biggest struggles billionaires will face in 2026 ‒ aside from the possibly being eaten thing ‒ is finding a way to own the most impressive superyacht. Everyone who’s anyone in the billionaire community has a giant yacht that has an elevator, several pools, a forested field for hunting humans, a room to host galas, a helipad and, unless you’re cheap, a second, slightly smaller superyacht attached to the side.
A key New Year’s resolution is to obtain the super-est of superyachts. The most logical choice would be a superyacht that includes its own onboard ocean, upon which there is another superyacht. The days of low-brown “superyacht with smaller superyacht attached to the side” are over.
What are billionaires supposed to do, put their secondary superyacht in the same ocean as the primary superyacht? How gauche.
The superyacht with an included ocean will be the thing to set a billionaire apart in the year ahead. Other superyachts will look like they were purchased at a dollar store, which is a store used by yacht-less poors.
Talk about artificial intelligence a bit more often
While most billionaires did a great job of occasionally saying things about artificial intelligence in 2025, they need to up their game in 2026 if the glory years are to continue. It doesn’t matter what they say, as my mention of “AI” will increase their net worth considerably.
Billionaires can say things like “AI will truly be the cognitive creativity hub of the meta-flurp moving forward” or “Artificial intelligence has orgasmically altered our perceptions of positive quasi-spiritual integration.” It just has to be something that doesn’t make sense, forcing people to Google what they said and allowing AI bots to collect more personal data.
Nail down the whole ‘eternal life’ thing
If there was one billionaire failure in 2025, it was this: Eternal life remains a bit elusive. While billionaires may have luxurious pillows stuffed with the hair of freshly shorn orphans and a different helicopter for each day of the week, they are still mortal, and that is unfortunate.
In 2026, the wealthy must resolve to find the key to immortality, allowing them more time to enjoy the money they could never possibly spend. This might require the blood of some healthy nonbillionaires and perhaps a bit of experimentation conducted on private islands. But as we learned well in 2025, the super-rich are never held accountable for anything. So I’m sure it will all be just fine.
Happy New Year, billionaires! Please send cash.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
