Thanksgiving is a holiday that celebrates togetherness, being grateful and eating delicious food. Gathering with family and friends during this special time can be fun, but it can also be stressful—from coordinating and cooking dinner to heated conversations to rude behaviors. I reached out to four etiquette experts about the rudest behaviors at the Thanksgiving dinner table, how to avoid them and how to be a good guest.
Why Is Etiquette Important?
Good manners and etiquette at the table are important whether you’re in your own home or a guest at someone else’s. We may equate etiquette with what silverware to use and when, but it is more than the place setting. “Etiquette goes beyond knowing which fork to use. It’s about showing respect and understanding the social norms that keep us connected,” says Lisa Mirza Grotts, a certified etiquette professional known as the “Golden Rules Gal.” “Balancing traditional and modern etiquette may be challenging in today’s world, but these customs remain essential in creating meaningful interactions,” she says.
The Rudest Things You Can Do at the Thanksgiving Table
The etiquette experts I consulted all agreed that using a cellphone at the table is one of the rudest things you can do. Read on to find out why and what other behaviors are best avoided.
1. Using Cellphones
Cellphones are an essential part of daily life—texting, calling, social media, listening to music, watching videos and taking photos all happen on our small pocket-size computers. Although many people use them everywhere, even in the bathroom, there are times and places when people should refrain from using their phones. Etiquette experts say one of those places is at the Thanksgiving table. “While it’s rarely polite to have one’s phone out when dining, it’s especially rude at Thanksgiving when the whole point of the occasion is to be together,” says Nick Leighton, an etiquette expert and host of the weekly podcast “Were you raised by wolves?” Sharing a meal is about togetherness, and a cellphone is a disruption and a distraction. “Cellphones should be out of sight and out of sound at the Thanksgiving table,” says Jo Hayes, an etiquette expert and consultant. “Trust me, no one else wants to listen to what you’re watching on your Instagram feed or listen in to your phone conversation.”
Spending time on your phone shows you’re not interested in being with the people around you. Being on your phone, according to Jamila Musayeva, a certified etiquette coach, “signals that one values their virtual engagements more than the people around them, which is both disrespectful and disruptive to the group’s shared experience.”
2. Bringing Uninvited Guests
When you RSVP for Thanksgiving dinner, the host has carefully planned out the number of attendees. Bringing along a friend without asking can throw off the host’s plans. Musayeva says it can create logistical issues for the host, from seating arrangements to food portions.
Even if you think there’s enough food, bringing an uninvited guest is rude, says Grotts. So what should you do if you want someone to join who isn’t on the guest list? Ask the host first before assuming it’s OK. “Good etiquette means respecting the host’s preparations and notifying them in advance of any additions to ensure they can accommodate them comfortably,” Grotts says.
3. Criticizing the Food
Some dishes may not be your favorites at the Thanksgiving dinner table or you may prefer a dish prepared a different way. But complaining about the food isn’t the way to go. “Openly criticizing or belittling the food or the host’s effort is inconsiderate because Thanksgiving is about gratitude and unity,” says Musayeva. “And any remark that disrespects the meal, no matter how minor, undermines these values.” You also don’t want to criticize the host’s cooking skills, says Leighton. Musayeva adds, “Even if the dish isn’t to one’s taste, it’s essential to remember that the host has invested time, effort and care into preparing the meal.”
4. Salting Food Before Tasting It
If you tend to reach for the salt before tasting your food, pause and try your food first. Salting your food automatically can be offensive to the person who cooked it. “This is rude because it signals to your host that you assume they don’t know how to season food properly,” says Leighton.
5. Arriving Late
Arriving late, especially if you don’t advise the host, is rude as it impacts the host’s cooking and mealtime plans. Thanksgiving is typically a sit-down meal, so arriving on time is key for a smooth experience. “Tardiness disrupts the host’s plans, delays the meal and can cause the food to go cold or be overcooked,” says Musayeva. “It conveys a lack of respect for the effort the host has put in to bring everyone together.”
Etiquette Tips to Be a Good Guest
Keep Conversations Light and Inclusive
People have differing opinions about divisive topics, such as politics, current events and religion. Thanksgiving is about being together and enjoying each other’s company so steering clear of challenging topics is best. “Avoid controversial topics that could stir emotions or conflict,” says Musayeva. Focus on topics that are inclusive and neutral. “Keep the conversation thoughtful but light,” says Leighton, giving tips such as “listen more than you speak, make everyone feel included in the conversation and try to avoid anything too controversial.” Hayes gives examples, such as talking about recent travel, books one is reading or how work or college is going.
Bring a Host Gift
Hosting a Thanksgiving meal requires a lot of time and effort, so consider bringing a small gift to show your appreciation. “It’s polite to bring a token gift to the host, which shows gratitude for the invitation,” says Leighton. Wondering what makes a good gift? “A bottle of wine or flowers can be thoughtful gestures that reinforce your respect for the host’s effort,” says Musayeva.
Let the Host Be the Guide
If you want to help, ask the host what they may need before assuming anything. Having too many people in the kitchen or taking the lead can be overwhelming rather than helpful. “Let the host take charge,” says Hayes. “Be willing to help, not lead.” And in moments when you’re not sure what to do, an easy rule of thumb is to pay attention to what’s going on around you. “If in doubt, observe the behavior of the host or those around you,” says Musayeva. “Follow the cues of the gathering [and] be mindful of the host’s customs.”
The Bottom Line
Thanksgiving is a time to come together and enjoy good food and good company. Refraining from using your cellphone and engaging in lighter conversations that create connections rather than division is a way to create a comfortable space for everyone. Bringing a small gift is one way to show your appreciation and gratitude to the host for their effort in hosting Thanksgiving.
