Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’ve been on and off dating apps for a while. Typically when I’m tired of being single and/or hear someone else’s inspirational story about how they found love on an app, I dust off my profile and dive back in. Then I am inevitably discouraged by the options and lack of connection and sign off again until the cycle repeats.
But recently I met “Paul.” His profile looked so promising — he said he wants a serious commitment, and that he’s at the age where he’s thinking about family and marriage, all the right things. He’s also good-looking, and has an actual adult job. After connecting, we started texting pretty quickly. We were exchanging dozens of messages a day. We swapped pics, started talking on the phone every day — things were going great, I thought.
Two weeks ago, I told Paul we should meet up. As soon as I said that, he practically vanished. Now if I text him in the morning, I maybe hear back late that afternoon, if at all. My “goodnight” texts that before would prompt him to text right back or even call me are now going unanswered. If I send him a pic, he no longer hearts it or gives it a thumbs-up, leaving me feeling stupid and confused. He hasn’t called at all, despite me leaving multiple messages.
This isn’t the first time I’ve met someone and had a really intense and promising start, only to have him basically ghost me, and ignore my attempts to reconnect. A few guys over the years seemed into me but dipped out the second I suggested actually dating.
What is going on? What am I doing wrong?
Wanda says:
I’m picking up on an intensity in your interactions with these potential partners that could be working against you. Enthusiasm and passion are great and absolutely should be present in early stages of a connection; chemistry is fun, and a sign that someone is worth pursuing.
But sometimes we need to pump the brakes — not just because an overeagerness can scare people off, but also because when we’re too blinded by excitement and passion, it’s easy to overlook red flags. Case in point: “dozens” of texts a day? That’s a bit much. And continuing to message after Paul peaced-out — I doubt that’s bringing you much peace at all.
I’m not excusing Paul’s disappearance. He should have been grown-up enough to have a conversation about his change of heart. Obviously his vanishing act was confusing and disheartening for you. One way to regain power in this situation is to focus on what you can control — and that’s your own actions and emotions.
Is continuing to text and call Paul when he’s basically or actually ignoring you really serving you? Is that helping repair your bruised self-esteem? I’d wager no. So stop trying to contact Paul — or any person, for that matter, who’s not reciprocating. Save your energy for family, friends, colleagues, and potential romantic partners who are interested in investing in you; and at the same time, remember that any healthy relationship is a marathon, not a sprint.
Wayne says:
So, your approach to online dating continues backfiring? Oh well — let’s keep doing it over and over and over again! Bound to work at some point!
Look, I get that you and many others like to build up a level of rapport and sense a connection with someone over the interwebs before taking that step to a real-world meet-up. But then again, some people using “dating” apps literally hook up with a complete stranger one hour after matching with them online. I think at this point, you should find a sweet spot somewhere in-between those extremes.
Because right now, you’re going full-girlfriend mode and setting some pretty serious — “intense” in your words — relationship communications and expectations from partner prospects that you haven’t even met. Think about that. And even if there’s some chemistry brewing and the texts are flowing, you’re both applying a lot of pressure on one another in what should be a pretty flexible and fun flirting phase — and then it gets ramped up to unsustainable levels.
How about giving yourself and the next profile with potential a maximum two-week window of digital communication before seeing each other in-person. And until you meet, limit yourselves to strictly getting-to-know-you chats at a pace of once or twice a week. You shouldn’t be hoping that someone you don’t know wishes you sweet dreams before you go to bed every night. And if you’re texting someone, anyone, a dozen times a day, they’d better be pretty darn important in your life and not some complete rando who may or may not even be who they are presenting themselves as.
Dial it down. Take it easy. Have some coffee and a chat. See how things play out naturally instead of fast-forwarding to the point of pressuring people until they break.
[Wayne and Wanda: All of my friends are getting married, and I feel like I’m falling behind]
[Wayne & Wanda: I’m falling for someone but we’ve only met once, weeks ago. Am I getting my hopes up?]
