All the news you need to know from the week that was.
It’s Saturday, which means it’s time to hunker down with some coffee and catch up on all the news you were too busy doing whatever it is you do to pay attention to with The Punch-Up!
What a week, what a week, what a week…
All the news you need to know from the week that was. (Getty Images)
We’ve got a robo-Walt Disney acting up, Chimpanzees were sticking twigs in all kinds of orifices and calling it fashion, and Sydney Sweeney could be taking her rightful place as a Bond girl.
So, let’s get into it, shall we?
The kiss cam at a Coldplay concert appeared to catch the married CEO of analytics and AI company Astronomer snuggling with the company’s head of HR. It’s believed to be the only outcome of going to a Coldplay concert that is worse than sitting through hours of Coldplay.
A FedEx driver who crashed his truck into a ditch admitted that he had been watching porn during the incident. So, it was a tough first week on the job for FedEx’s newest driver, Hunter Biden.
Researchers have developed remote-controlled cyborg beetles to help with rescue missions in disaster areas. Their lone weakness? Being crushed with a flip-flop.
Sydney Sweeney is reportedly being eyed for a role in the next James Bond film. This makes sense given that director Denis Villeneuve plans to call the film Thunderboob.
The TSA may soon do away with its restrictive policy regarding carry-on liquids. The move would cut down on full bottles of sunscreen being thrown away for no reason by several thousand percent.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert has been canceled and will air its final episode next spring. The cancellation is, ironically, the funniest thing to ever come out of the show.
In a new anonymous player poll, 53.8% of WNBA players voted Caitlin Clark as the most likely to be the face of the league. The other 46.2% were subsequently voted “most likely to be in denial.”
A teen in Kentucky lost three fingers in a fireworks accident, but saved his arm using a medical technique he learned from the movie Forrest Gump. “Wait a second; why didn’t anyone fill me in on this?!” asked LT. Dan.
Disneyland’s new Walt Disney animatronic suffered a malfunction on its first day on display at the park. The company says they plan to retool the animatronic, the only way they know how: by making it gay for no reason.
Got all of that?
Good. See you back here next week.
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