In this mortal existence, we all have dreams. As a child, I wanted to be an astronaut, until I found out there’s no Taco Bell on the International Space Station. That’s the thing about dreams: they often lead to cruel disappointment. Such is the fate of President Donald Trump, his hope of winning a Nobel peace prize dashed – not by a lack of fast food, but by common sense.
The 2025 award instead went to the Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado, who was barred from running for president by her nation’s courts. Machado acknowledged Trump in her acceptance of the honor, saying she appreciated his support of Venezuelan democratic reform. At least he’s keeping an eye on democracy somewhere.
Trump could take that as a bit of a consolation prize and focus on next year, when the effects of a burgeoning Gaza peace deal become clear. But losing is for losers, so Maga supporters are, predictably, upset about it all. Sean Davis of the Federalist declared the Nobel was actually “beneath” Trump and “a joke”. If so, I wouldn’t mind never hearing about it again.
Whenever I’d get a C on a test, I’d mutter to myself about how grades are a construct of oppression and college isn’t actually important. “The Man” made me go to school and read about Kant or physics or plenary authority. Like I even care about that. Not caring is a superpower in a cruel world that cares not for our feelings or our desires. Sometimes the only power we have is to withhold our interest and project indifference. When we lose a game, it’s a lot easier to deny its legitimacy than to accept failure – like unplugging a PlayStation after getting blown up by a landmine in Call of Duty.
That might be the masterstroke of the modern American conservative movement. Lose an election? Must have been cheated. Finding it hard to justify the deployment of the military on American streets? The enemy is incredibly clever and is hiding. Didn’t win the peace prize? Alfred Nobel must have been a cuck and a beta and a loser. Might as well unplug the PlayStation that is democracy.
Trump’s entire worldview seems predicated on a notion that life is unfair, the system is rigged, and he alone can balance the scales back toward justice. This all makes sense as a rhetorical strategy, and it has proved popular in an age in which most people deem the American government to be about as straight as a bowl of chicken noodle soup. But it doesn’t play so well when his grievances are focused almost exclusively on himself and his own personal gripes. Indicting his enemies, trying to get late-night talkshows canceled, and whinging about an award that apparently has no value – it all starts to get rather tiresome, like your mom re-litigating that time Beverly forgot to send a thank you card after her wedding. How many times can one hear about the relatively low cost of postage before it’s time to move on to a different subject?
Trump’s approval rating is in the dumpster. Granted, I can’t remember the last time a president was consistently popular since 9/11. So maybe this is just the new normal. Or maybe lots of people are tired of hearing how one specific person is having a bad day (again) because they didn’t win a medal.
Frankly, I’d like to hear more about me. I’m incredibly self-absorbed (I work in the media, after all) and desperately crave approval. Where’s my medal? When will my parade happen? Which head of state will subtly roll their eyes when I’m not looking? I wrote this in between power naps, and it was incredibly difficult to get up to work after the first one. When Donald Trump gives a speech, he should be addressing me directly. I have needs, too, you know? I have done nothing to earn that attention, but I’m asking for it. When mapping out domestic policy, you should be asking yourself, “how does this affect Dave Schilling?” “What will Dave think of this?” “Can we name an aircraft carrier after someone whose father served in the air force?”
And if I don’t get what I want, I’ll say it doesn’t matter. I’ll find something else to obsess about, some award that I can easily procure through intimidation or coercion. I’ll kick a child in the knees and demand their Honorable Mention ribbon for Little League.
I think it’s finally time I get the award I don’t want, but definitely deserve.
