Brandy called into The Ramsey Show looking for a solution to a prickly predicament: The Missouri native lives with her husband and five kids — and as of three years ago — with her mother-in-law. Brandy is growing increasingly frustrated with the situation as her mother-in-law moved into a family camper in their backyard three years ago — and still hasn’t left. (1)
While it was never meant to be a permanent living situation, the family didn’t discuss any terms or clear boundaries before the woman moved in. The show hosts identified that this isn’t an uncommon issue with these types of arrangements.
“I am trying to find a way with as much grace and kindness and love as possible to get my mother-in-law on her feet and out of the camper in our backyard,” Brandy told Dave Ramsey and cohost Ken Coleman.
But Ramsey said Brandy is “the wicked witch of the west in [the mother-in-law’s] eyes — she does not want anything to do with any suggestion that comes out of your mouth.”
Here’s why Dave Ramsey says there’s only one way to end this situation.
Almost one in four Americans are providing financial support to their aging parents, their partner’s parents or both, according to a LendingTree survey. Another quarter of respondents expect to take on this responsibility at some point in the future. While a majority feel it’s their duty, many say that, as a result, they’ve taken on additional debt, scaled back work hours or made other sacrifices. (2)
Brandy hasn’t clarified whether she and her husband are providing financial support to her mother-in-law (or whether she eats their food, uses their utilities or borrows their cars). However, her mother-in-law is living on the property rent-free, so she’s being supported financially in some capacity.
Additionally, her mother-in-law is 63, working part-time cleaning houses (roughly 20 hours a week), but Brandy has no indication there are any retirement savings in the picture, so she could become more financially dependent as time goes on.
Whether it’s a financial burden or a lifestyle burden (or both), the situation is becoming intolerable for Brandy. The problem is, because they never discussed the terms of their arrangement ahead of time, the mother-in-law “actually doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong,” said Ramsey.
For this reason, if you help out a friend, neighbor or family member by allowing them to temporarily stay in your home or on your property during a life transition, it’s important to set expectations before they appear at the door with their suitcase.
As such, any agreement where finances are involved should include timelines, expectations and ultimate deal-breakers. (3) It should also be clear if the person is expected to pay rent or contribute to shared expenses.
Similarly, set expectations around household rules — from contributing to chores to respecting personal space. From the get-go, it should be clear how long this arrangement will last, including an exit plan.
Put the agreement in writing; you can even have regular meetings to review the plan, address any concerns and make adjustments, if necessary.
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In Brandy’s case, the couple hadn’t been clear from the outset and Brandy told Ramsey that she “lost [her] mind” on her mother-in-law a year-and-a-half ago. Since that time, nothing has changed — so at this point, it’s likely nothing will change.
But the problem is with her husband. “He’s the problem, not her. She’s the symptom,” said Ramsey.
“The only way you’re going to fix this is to install a backbone in your husband so baby boy deals with his mommy.”
It doesn’t mean he has to kick her out tomorrow, but he does need to explain that they weren’t planning to have her stay there permanently — and help her come up with a plan to move out.
He could offer to help her create a budget and find a new place, as well as come up with a timeline that will work for everyone. Even if she doesn’t want help, he needs to be clear she has overstayed her welcome and needs to leave at some point in the near future.
At 62, she’s eligible to start taking her Social Security benefit, although her check will be permanently reduced if she doesn’t wait until her full retirement age of 67. She may also be eligible for assistance programs, such as subsidized or low-income housing for seniors. Now might be a good time to apply for such a spot, given that she still has housing at the family home and so there is some sort of moveout date on the horizon.
There are alternate options too. The Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) has low-income housing programs, and some non-profit housing organizations offer low-income senior housing, such as Volunteers of America, HumanGood and Mercy Housing. (4)
However, Brandy’s mother-in-law is still a few years away from qualifying for Medicare. If her monthly income is below the state limit, she may be eligible for Medicaid. When she turns 65, she’ll be eligible for Medicare, but low-income seniors may qualify for both Medicare and Medicaid (since Medicare isn’t completely free). (5)
If Brandy and her husband are prepared to help her financially, they could do it from afar, such as helping her with household expenses such as groceries or utilities. But they also want to be careful — there’s often a fine line between helping someone and enabling them.
For Americans who currently provide financial support for their aging parents, the LendingTree survey found that the most common expenses covered include groceries (69%), personal expenses (49%), housing (44%), utilities (43%) and medical costs (42%). However, 58% of those have incurred debt as a result, with more than half (53%) borrowing $5,000 or more. (2)
Whatever the case, these suggestions will have to come from Brandy’s husband — not her.
“This is a marriage problem,” said co-host Ken Coleman. “You and your hubs got to get together because you’re a couple cocktails away from a Jerry Springer episode.”
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@TheRamseyShow (1); LendingTree (2); United Van Lines (3); Senior Living (4); Medicaid (5)
This article originally appeared on Moneywise.com under the title: Missouri woman’s mother-in-law is camping out in her backyard and won’t leave — how Dave Ramsey says to get her to go
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