“He sucks as a husband.”
That was Dave Ramsey’s blunt reaction to Brandy, a caller from Georgia who phoned The Ramsey Show in October in distress. Brandy explained that she has no access to her family’s finances — not the bank accounts, not the business earnings, not even basic monthly expenses. Every dollar she needs must be requested from her husband. (1)
“I feel like his daughter instead of his wife,” she said. Brandy revealed that the only time she learned their net worth was during a brief separation two years ago, when her attorney uncovered financial documents in preparation for divorce proceedings.
Despite returning to her husband due to financial strain, Brandy said nothing has changed. She is still in the dark, still dependent and still afraid of what would happen if he were to die or abandon her financially.
Here’s what Ramsey told her to do — and what others can do if they find themselves in a similar situation.
Brandy’s situation is not just a marital disagreement. It reflects a troubling pattern known as financial abuse. Financial abuse occurs when one spouse uses money to control the other, limiting their access to financial information, restricting spending or preventing them from becoming independent.
After hearing her story, Ramsey said, “Are you going to actually get on the phone and call a marriage counselor and go sit down with one? You need to do that today,” he advised. “If you’re not going to do nothing about it, shut up about it. But if you’re going to do something, then we’ll pray for you.”
However, leaving an abusive spouse is not as easy as Ramsey makes it seem. Wings, a Chicago-based resource for domestic violence victims, explains that financial abuse is the number one reason that a victim of abuse may return to a former partner. (2)
Moreover, up to 99% of domestic violence cases include financial abuse, and the current economic instability means that it’s even riskier for victims to leave their abuser than under normal circumstances. Financial abuse is a key reason victims stay in an unhealthy relationship or feel forced to return after leaving — because they literally cannot afford to be independent.
Regaining financial independence starts with taking back control — even if you’ve been out of the workforce or financially dependent on your spouse. While systemic issues like the gender pay gap create challenges, there are concrete steps you can take right now to protect yourself.
Women earn less over their lifetimes. White women make just 83% of what men earn, and that gap widens for women of color — which can increase dependence on a partner’s income. (3) But financial equality in a marriage isn’t about who earns more; it’s about having equal access, equal decision-making power, and a plan in place if the relationship ends.
Ramsey’s advice to Brandy was simple but difficult: she must take action now. That may mean entering counseling, demanding transparency, or beginning the process of leaving the relationship for good. For anyone in a similar situation, the first steps toward independence may include:
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Opening your own bank account
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Tracking your monthly living costs
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Building an emergency fund and securing some income of your own
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Seeking guidance from a financial advisor or attorney
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Connecting with domestic abuse resources if control escalates
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Even in marriages that are not abusive, financial dependence can be risky. Women who leave the workforce to care for children lose an average of $150,000 over their career. (4). And 80% of these mothers say they feel undervalued or excluded from financial decision making. (5)
To prevent this imbalance, couples must ensure that the stay-at-home spouse has equal access to financial information, decision-making power, and discretionary funds. Financial partnership is essential to a healthy marriage.
Key ways to ensure equality:
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Creating a joint budget with your spouse
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Ensuring the stay-at-home spouse has discretionary funds and doesn’t have to ask for money from the working spouse
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Hold regular conversations about current money issues and future financial goals
Not all financial problems in a marriage are financial abuse. Simple disagreements about money can be serious enough to cause problems, even in otherwise healthy partnerships. A study from Ramsey Solutions found that money problems are the second most common predictor of divorce, and couples reported that it was the most common thing they argued about across the board. Therefore, getting ahead of financial problems is key. (6)
Here are some tips for couples who are in financial disharmony, to repair the rupture before it’s too late:
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Put your cards on the table: As Rachel Cruze, Ramsey’s daughter and co-host of the Ramsey Show advises, overcommunication about finances is almost impossible. Be sure to talk about your money beliefs and attitudes, in addition to the dollars and cents. (7)
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Build shared financial values: reflect on your own beliefs and share with your partner the ways in which you are similar in your knowledge, attitudes and goals. Finding common ground can help to resolve issues.
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Focus on the future: Get clear about your goals in 1 year, 5 years, and your vision for retirement. Finding alignment and things to look forward to can help to calm squabbles today, and give you a north star to point towards when you disagree.
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Seek professional help: Visits to a couples therapist and financial advisor may help to break bad habits and preserve a marriage that is mired in money problems.
Brandy’s story struck a nerve because it revealed a hard truth: financial dependence can erode equality in a marriage — and in extreme cases, it becomes financial abuse. Whether you are a stay-at-home parent, earn less than your spouse, or simply feel out of the loop regarding your household finances, it’s vital to gain clarity and protection over your financial life.
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We rely only on vetted sources and credible third-party reporting. For details, see our editorial ethics and guidelines.
The Ramsey Show Highlights (1); Wings (2); Pew Research Center (3); SmartMap (4); The Power Pause (5); Ramsey Solutions (6), (7)
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
