Bravo Fashion Recap: Can Somebody Please Help Lisa Barlow? – Charm

This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.

God, if you’re out there, it’s me, Joan Summers.

I know we haven’t talked in a while — not since those goat horns grew out of my skull and my footprints lit the carpet of my childhood church on fire. When I was told to pray back then, I used to pretend like you were floating up there near Mars and laughing at my jokes. Well, I’m not joking this time. Please, God, help Lisa Barlow.

She hasn’t been a very good person, or a nice friend, or even had the eye for fashion she once had. But she is a perfect reality television star. I can’t see her run out of Hollywood by her own hubris, which admittedly is twice the size of the gargantuan cowboy hat she wore in the confessional this week. I know she’s called other women “gout dick suckers” and yelled all kinds of expletives where children and the elderly can hear. I know she’s been greedy, with her money and others, and I understand that there’s no excuse for eating Wendy’s ever, let alone helping them shill burgers to the less fortunate who go without something healthier and more nutritious, like Jack In the Box.

Frankly, God, Lisa Barlow has been a terrible friend. But those other sins pale in comparison to her worst, which is that she hasn’t been very nice to herself. Her greed and her pride have eaten her alive, and she cries all the time because of it. Lisa Barlow seems sad, God, sadder than even me. And I once wrote a journal entry in the 9th grade that plagiarized another journal entry from an equal sad teenage girl, probably, which years later I heard repeated back to me during the final season of Girls, like Lena Dunham could read my mind from across space and time.

“I’ve cried so it feels like the whole world has filled with tears like in Waterworld. Maybe my tears will even drown God.”

Maybe my tears did drown God back then, or maybe you’re still up there, floating in space out by Mars, hearing my prayer. If by chance you’re still listening, please, God, help Lisa Barlow. Amen. Shall we talk about her gargantuan cowboy hat now?

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Lisa Barlow

Lisa Barlow from RHOSLC in a black dress and cowboy hat.

I have to admit that I lied about the literal size of her cowboy hat in the confessional, only because it feels gargantuan to me. And we all make our own truth every single day, just like Lady Gaga. Really, a hat in the booth is never a good idea, just like headpieces and crowns and just about anything else that cuts one’s proportions in half in a cramped studio environment. While not literally gargantuan, it completely swallows her whole, which is actually quite a shocking feat, considering it’s on the smaller side of cowboy hats. Perhaps it’s this leather-like dress, or the statement belt and added statement belt buckles.

It all just reads like a Spirit Halloween costume inspired by something that alcoholic woman on Yellowstone would wear. I pick up the package and it says “Sexy Ranch Alcoholic TV Character.” Baby gorgeous deserves better, especially when she has Ben Affleck to party with later!

Angie Katsanevas

Angie Katsanevas is a warrior queen straight out of mythology itself. She is also one of the most beautiful women alive. The duality in that gives her an almost impenetrable aura of beauty that makes it impossible to look at her very long, lest I burn my eyes and walk the earth as a blind monk, chanting prayers in her name.

I’m only being slightly hyperbolic, of course. It’s just that the way she puts herself together like a Barbie doll in one of my childhood fantasies about what I would look like if I was a beautiful lady and also a Barbie doll. The pink dress is just perfect, and while I’ve come down hard on silly bows in the past, this supermassive butt-bow is perfect, especially in a confessional booth. I’m also quite the fan of the high neckline on this dress, although if I were to nitpick, I wish they’d pulled just some of her hair back behind her shoulders.

Currently, these tresses threaten to swallow her.

Back in the real world, I was reminded that she’s both a mother and a businesswoman. The white suit and blazer with the severe ponytail and statement jewelry she wore to her father’s house made for a delightful mix of aesthetic signifiers. That she sat here in that same ensemble while he talked about “the war” only deepened the meaningfulness of the moment, at least to me.

Bronwyn Newport

Speaking of Barbie dolls: Bronwyn frequently dresses like the doll I’d put all my weirdest clothes on, and then pretend was an evil queen ruling over Bedroomlandia from her throne of disassembled Buzz Lightyear parts and Lego bricks. This is a compliment, to be clear, and I hope she continues to pester me with these ridiculous statement pieces and bold eyeshadow looks.

Sadly, with Bronwyn, the fantasy of the confessional booth does not carry into the real world. Harried and prim are not nice words to describe someone with, but there is an almost overwhelming sense of repression beneath Bronwyn’s exterior facade that makes it hard to stomach her scenes in large quantities. I like that she dresses like the evil (if misunderstood) sister from Fleabag to eat frozen yogurt with her grumpy, old husband. I like her Prada headbands and fur sweaters and even sometimes her Dolce & Gabbana mini-dresses with the exposed bras.

But I do not like the lingering sense of dread I get from witnessing a woman not fully realized in herself, a woman trapped inside another woman, clawing at cage she’s built.

Mary Cosby

Angie Katsanevas and Mary Cosby are soulmates, if only because they both dress like sensible businesswomen in Utah when out to lunch with each other or their girlfriends. I was tickled by this tan suit she wore to argue with Angie about smelling each other’s farts, and hope to see many more tan suits like it in the future.

Britani Bateman

On the other end of the suit spectrum is the blazer Britani wore to meet her estranged daughter in a coffee shop, where they both proceeded to loudly discuss Britani’s tendency to abandon her children to make out with the cousins of Mormon royalty. She looks beautiful and severe, like the wicked stepmother in an off-Broadway production of Cinderella. That is her dream in life, after all, and so I’d say: You got part, Britani. You’re going to be the next wicked stepmother at the Park City Playhouse’s production of Cinderella.

Whitney Rose

When I die, I want the last thing I see to be a collection of Whitney’s various neon outfits and bobs through the years. I don’t have anything truly insightful to say about this corseted bustier, but God, there’s simply no one out here dressing quite like her. There’s also no one out here inviting psychics to tell Angie K that a horse is going to break its leg in the near future. Kudos, sister! Save travels on your healing journey.

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Keiarna Stewart

I have now seen the epic highs and lows of Keiarna Stewart’s confessional prowess. These, for me, are the highs. The Versace is excellent, but I do wish they had styled it with the kerchief neck in the front, instead of down the back. The Cult Gaia top in the second look is also a high point of The Real Housewives of Potomac confessionals this season, but I do worry about the longevity of Real Housewives stars who shop the same brands and me when preparing for vacation.

Where Stewart lost me this season was her now repeat use of crowns. It’s not that she looks bad in this Retrofete dress or at the Bridgerton themed party, but multiple crowns three episodes into a season? No! Please, it’s only your second season! This type of iconography is what spelled doom for the Kingdom of Vanderpump, back before Keiarna was a twinkle in Andy Cohen’s eye.

Wendy Oswego

Wendy looks a bit off in the confessional booth this season. It’s difficult to disentangle my reaction to that from news of her recent arrest. Speaking professionally, I’ve just seen this first dress too many times on the Real Housewives. I’ve also seen her pull off too many structural monstrosities like the second dress, which look good the first time, and wear by the fifteenth. It’s sort of like the seasons after Valentino sent down those tulle dresses. One was enough, two was plenty, and fifteen at the Grammys, fourteen at the Emmys, and fifty seven at the Oscars were simply more than any society could reasonably accommodate.

Ashley Darby

If there is one thing Ashley Darby was born to do, it’s look crazy as hell. She and Gizelle are true sisters in that way. Had she opted for something other than this curl and cheap dress, she might look halfway to fabulous. But as usual, the details here cheapen the desired effect, which is a real shame, because this should be an actual moment worth celebrating. She’s finally divorced, richer than God, and in a massive pink coat. All the pieces are there, Ashley Darby!

Stacey Rusch

Speaking of wicked witches, Stacey Rusch is nothing of the sort. In fact, she’s the princess who’s been trapped in a crystal and suspended over an underground lake, like in a Final Fantasy game or my frequent mentions of it in this column. Despite the pile on and supposed lies she’s told, I’m still team Stacey, if only because she’s the oddest duck I’ve come across in my ten seasons watching this show. Her fashions are equally strange, but where they’d be off-putting on a woman like Gizelle, here I find them entrancing. She’s dressed like Tyra Banks in the Life Size remake, and sort of acts like a doll brought to life by a child’s wish too.

Angel Massie

The new girls on the cast haven’t made a memorable impression on me just yet, but I did want to briefly compliment Angel for this clingy brown dress, which looks wonderful on her!

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal

Graphic design by Jewel Baek

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