After a two-and-a-half-year break from the time-suck of dating apps, I reluctantly reinstalled one on my phone a few weeks ago. But this time, I was determined not to waste hours swiping or replying to any zero-effort “hi, beautiful” messages.
The return was inspired by Burned Haystack, a new dating method that encourages daters to filter out time wasters and red flags as soon as possible.
Jennie Young, a professor of English and women and gender studies at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, had grown frustrated while looking for love online. When she realized it was like looking for a “needle in a haystack,” she decided to Google her question: “How do you find a needle in a haystack?” This led her to the answer and, eventually, her method: Burn the haystack. That’s what will make spotting the metal needle easy.
The method’s main idea is to avoid focusing on being broadly appealing and not to try to meet as many men as possible. It’s about being more selective about men and always weighing in on how they communicate.
“The reason we immediately block-to-burn men who lead with comments about our appearance or with sexual content has absolutely nothing to do with personal values,” Young wrote in a Substack article posted on Facebook in August. Rather, she explains that they are blocked because those types of comments can lead to the following conclusions: poor social skills, lack of empathy, laziness, or disrespect for women.
Young started the Facebook group Burned Haystack Dating Method last year. It now has over 100,000 members — I’m one of them.
As a single mom, my time’s too limited for swiping
In the past, I treated the apps as a numbers game and talked to as many men as possible to get to the first meeting. With the net cast wide, surely I’d meet someone interesting sooner, right? But I found most guys would swipe right indiscriminately or send likes to every woman in the vicinity, so I was swamped with men who never even looked at my profile.
It was hard to get to an actual date as it seemed messaging endlessly was the goal. Responding to matches and impersonal “hey, how was your day?” messages became as exciting as filing utility bills.
As a single mom with my own business, I just didn’t have time for more admin. So, after a few months, some unremarkable meet ups, and one ghosting disaster, I deleted the apps for good.
I was only tempted back when I read about Burned Haystack and started connecting with other Facebook members — they all seemed just as fed up with the online dating as me.
Now, I employ academic principles to select matches
Young teaches followers how to read between the lines in profiles and to use semiotics to critically view visual clues in photos. I’ve learned that everything tells you who the guy really is.
Bed selfies and requirements to be open-minded and adventurous? They’re only interested in sex. A profile saying “we’ll get along if you avoid unnecessary arguments and always live in the present,” doesn’t mean easy-going, it means: “I’m not committing for the future and you can’t say anything about it.” If their perfect Sunday is watching Netflix, our future together would be spent in front of the TV which is fine, but he’s not the guy for me.
honeyhousephotography.com
The best thing about the method is that I’m only on the app for a couple of minutes a day. Most of that time is spent narrowing the pool down by blocking/removing profiles that don’t suit me or give off red flags. And I cross off anyone who sends a “like” without a message because I know that “like” isn’t an indicator of genuine interest and only dilutes the pool.
Before I would have looked at their profile and written a personalized message to those guys if I liked something on it. I’d have overlooked the generic intro message, thinking, “That’s OK because it’s the conversation afterwards that matters.”
And if they didn’t ask me any questions, I’d ask more to keep the chat going in case they actually wanted to meet and just weren’t great at texting. Now, instead of suggesting meeting to speed things up, I block or remove their profile after a few days if they’re stuck in virtual chat mode. If a chat dies on their side, I let it and never give them a second thought.
It’s such a relief that managing a dating app isn’t taking over my life. Every day, when I clear the pool and there are no more profiles I cheer inwardly.
I’m translating the method to real life
It’s early days but I think the method means the dating apps won’t suck my will to live this time.
More importantly, it’s taught me that the same signs are visible in the way a man speaks and behaves in person. If he talks about himself the whole date, he’s not nervous about impressing, he’s a bad communicator. If he’s late and doesn’t message to let me know, he’s not relaxed, he’s inconsiderate.
Is the new method working? With just those couple of minutes a day on the app, I’ve already had three in-person dates in three weeks, two of whom I’d happily meet again.
Got a personal essay about dating that you want to share? Get in touch with the editor: akarplus@businessinsider.com.
