A 26-year-old from Minnesota has sparked a discussion online after sharing a viral video that details her harrowing experiences with dating, in particular from the apps.
Andra Berghoff’s video, posted to Instagram on November 17, has resonated with many viewers who resonate with the systematic issues and dangers that singletons, in particular single women, face while dating or using apps to date.
Berghoff’s admissions, which include being stalked and kidnapped by the men she had swiped right on, echo broader issues highlighted in recent years, like the high-profile murder of Grace Millane, a British woman killed by a man she met on Tinder.
“The video was a general post talking about how horrific the state of dating is right now,” Berghoff, who is known online as @andraberghoff, told Newsweek.
Viewers watched as Berghoff spilled chilling anecdotes of her experiences, painting a grim picture of the dangers lurking in the digital dating pool.
She told viewers: “I met some married men, sure, some men who became so violent so quickly that they spent the next several years stalking me, several men that tried to kidnap me, three that were successful.”
Her revelations are haunting, and she goes on to draw similarities between the experiences she flagged and what was shown in the Netflix film Woman of the Hour. The 2024 movie traces serial killer Rodney Alcala’s killing spree in the 1970s, and his attempted murder of a young woman he kidnapped.
“The end of Woman of the Hour is how I got out of those every single time,” Berghoff said.
@andraberghoff
The film ends with a scene of the kidnapped woman escaping from Alcala’s vehicle after tricking him to stop at a roadside diner so that she could use the restroom. It was there that she used a public telephone to call the police.
Sadly, Berghoff’s experiences are not isolated. The case of Millane, the backpacker murdered by Jesse Kempson, whom she met on Tinder, serves as a reminder of the potential dangers associated with meeting people online.
However, Berghoff said that these problems are simply part of a much larger societal issue.
“There’s a repeated dismissal and normalization of male violence that starts from a very early age and never seems to be taken seriously to the point where we even see it on these apps,” she said.
Reflecting on past experiences from high school and college, Berghoff spoke about the institutional indifference she faced when reporting threats and assaults by men to relevant authorities.
“Very early on, I did try to report a few of my experiences, but you learn quickly as a young woman that society does not care about you,” Berghoff said. “In high school, the principal just gave a typical ‘boys will be boys’ or ‘just give it some time, they’ll probably give up or get bored’ sort of response.
“Later, when I was older in college and had another really horrible experience, I was given a similar sentiment by the police,” Berghoff added.
She had brought messages of threats and confessions from a man she had been seeing, detailing how he planned to kill her if she spoke out about his assault.
The police officer’s response was disheartening: “There’s not really much we can do with any of this unless he actually tries something unfortunately.”
“I sat there shocked, as if I wasn’t already holding confessions to an assault and responded for clarification ‘so you can’t do anything to help me until he kills me?'” Berghoff said.
This systemic issue, Berghoff added, is reflected in the very design and operation of dating apps. While acknowledging that dating apps have taken steps to improve their safety features, and could continue to do so in the future, she says that these platforms simply mirror the realities of the world we live in.
“Dating apps are a reflection of our society, and our society really sucks,” Berghoff said.
‘The Bar Is Literally in Hell’
Berghoff’s viral video has sparked a critical dialogue about safety and accountability in the digital dating world, and has led to some viewers sharing similar opinions and experiences in the comments.
“I met my husband on tinder (in 2017) and yes it feels like we caught the last chopper out of Vietnam,” one viewer said.
Another added: “What’s sad is men are doubting that this is true but then the women over here are like “kidnapped three times? Yeah that checks out.” And yeah having been on the apps, don’t doubt for a second.”
“Tried the apps, it was real grapey vibes, celibate for two years now and counting,” a third viewer said.
Another added: “Normalize doing background checks on them before swiping right.”
“The bar is literally in hell,” another comment read.
“I got stabbed because of Tinder … I don’t date anymore,” one user added.
Another said: “Used Bumble once and almost got kidnapped. Never used a dating app since.”
While several viewers have jumped to Berghoff’s support, her post has ruffled some feathers. Some viewers have discredited her claims and have critiqued her overarching message about speaking up to remedy societal issues that often go unaddressed.
“See the problem is men meet you kind of women, you were kidnapped three times yeah, [no] man wants to be around a woman that’s accusing men of kidnapping her, let’s see these police reports,” one viewer said.
A different viewer leaped to Berghoff’s defense: “The comments section is really proving your point … And that’s sad.”
The conversation the creator sparked has encouraged some social-media users to open up about their own thoughts on how dating apps operate in broader responses to ever-occurring gender-based violence.
