When I was 13, my father took me on a weekend trip to New York City. I remember sitting with him at the Howard Johnson’s in Times Square, nibbling on fried clams, and somehow the question of homosexuals arose.
Now, I was an extremely closeted Cincinnati, Ohio, teen back then and had no inkling of the greater depths of my own sexual identity or of being gay in general. But I saw a few flamboyant men on the streets of New York in that summer of 1972 and asked dad about why they acted the way they did.
“They’re homosexuals,” he said. “They like men.” He didn’t offer further details.
“But how do they know they like men?” I asked, knowing in the back of my mind that this conversation related to my own slowly budding feelings toward, at the very least, my G.I. Joe poseable action figure and Greg Brady.
“Well,” said Dad, “they have a special signal. When one man is walking down the street and sees another man, he will look them in the eye. And if the other guy looks back in a certain way, they each know that they like other men.” Again, he didn’t offer further details.
It was a clunky explanation, to be sure, but it was the best my father had at the time, and to this day, I applaud him for trying. Of course, I’m not sure Si Shulman knew that he was describing the act of “cruising” to his inquisitive son.
After finishing our clams, we decided to take in a movie in one of Times Square’s vast movie houses. The film dad chose — surely not realizing it would raise even more uncomfortable questions from his son — was Deliverance. —Randy Shulman
Warning: Some of the responses contain sexually explicit content that some readers may find disturbing.
When cruising in person, what do you prefer?
JAY A., 25, U.K., Bisexual: Cars. Secluded and easier to make oneself scarce if needed!
J.B., 48, Virginia, Gay: Bars. I can have a 5-minute conversation and determine if I want to go further versus spending hours or days to have the same conversation on an app. It’s more efficient for me.
E.C., 22, D.C., Gay: Bars. There’s less of a risk of something going wrong. Even cruising for a guy to take back to my place, I’d rather be in a space where the chance of hitting on a straight guy is really low rather than hoping whoever I come across will be gay.
JOHN C., 67, Virginia, Gay: Parks and woods. I like the idea of being in nature with the elements — it excites the experience for me. Furthermore, it’s quick and easy. No apps to register on, no profiles to set up, you either like what you see or you don’t.
WOLFY BEARENWOLFF, 67, D.C., Gay: Bars. Too much chance of police or getting bashed at rest areas or parks.
BOTTOM4U, 32, D.C., Gay: U.S. Capitol complex. A lot of hot, closeted men walk around the halls of the Capitol.
JEREMY C., 37, D.C., Gay: I love various types of cruising spaces, but perhaps parks and woods are my favorite as there’s some plausible deniability and in many cases you are still enjoying nature.
JUDE C., 60, Maryland, Gay: Bars are most stable and safe. When I was younger, the idea of parks or restrooms was exciting and good exploration. The internet and apps have changed the way people hook up now.
JOHN D., 37, D.C., Bisexual: Parks or woods. It’s fun to hunt for a bottom to breed.
MAX E., 37, Massachusetts, Gay: Grocery stores. If I cruise while grocery shopping, the letdown of no one being interested is cushioned by accomplishing a chore.
KRIST H., 57, Michigan, Two-Spirit: Bars. I like to look into a person’s eyes and determine if they are being honest and worthy.
E.H. HOTBOX, 59, D.C., Gay: Restrooms. There is a sense of nostalgia, masculinity, and vulnerability to the restroom spaces. Glory holes are also great fun as it is a way to remain anonymous and detached from emotion versus the biology of the need to orgasm regularly.
N2DEEP NWIDE, 46, D.C., Gay: NastyKinkPigs. My kind of guys. Rough around the edges including fetishes (i.e., fisting).
BEND O., 54, D.C., Gay: Parks or woods. It heightens the entire experience. You’re already horned up, and then you’re adding the adrenaline rush of being in public. There is also the thrill of the hunt as you stalk your prey.
BIGB ROBS, 52, Wisconsin, Gay: Bars. You can know almost everything you need to in one interaction. Are they attractive, can they carry a conversation, are they fun, interesting, and can they kiss?
ALEC SCUDDER, 40, Virginia, Gay: Sex is most satisfying when I have a social connection with a person. And it’s easier for me to establish that in a bar environment. There’s a rush from locking eyes, chatting, and feeling the energy build between the two of you. That’s completely absent from apps and online platforms. I’ve had plenty of experiences there where the energy felt IM-ing was totally nonexistent when we met in person. Apps make it easier to drag things out, for people to be completely noncommittal.
U STREET GUY, 50, D.C., Questioning: Steam Room. There’s something so exhilarating about the steam room cruise. The eye glance. The foot tap. Wiping the face with a towel.
WAAGE, 42, Spain, Gay: Parks or woods. I like [when I] see the person and feel the chemistry. Without talk, only sex.
What’s your cruising app of choice?
WOLFY BEARENWOLFF: Scruff. The company has a better reputation for screening their clients. Has more accurate distance readings.
BOTTOM4U: Growlr. Love bigger men.
E.C.: It used to be Grindr until the app became super slow and made my phone routinely overheat. Sniffies offers a better service (even with the profile picture limit) than Grindr does now.
JOHN C.: Sniffies. I prefer to have sex with straight/bi guys. In my opinion, there are more on Sniffies than on other apps.
CHANDLER D., 26, D.C., Gay: I feel most comfortable with Grindr. I started using it when I was going into college, and now I don’t have the energy to learn a new app because, beyond the interface, there are distinct languages guys use, cultural norms even within the app itself. It’s fascinating.
BAYBE GOTBACK, 44, D.C., Gay: Jack’d. The hot guys on Jack’d appreciate hot guys of color. The hot guys on Grindr do not show the same appreciation. Sad but true.
KRIST H.: Tinder. One of the original ways to hook up and it never disappoints.
THOMAS H., 40, Texas, Gay: Sniffies. Guys there want to get laid and then go about their day.
E.H. HOTBOX: Sniffies. Raw and to the point. The others are relationship-based. Real cruising is for instant gratification, and the others do not offer that, regardless of how hard they may try.
KRIS KRINGLE, 61, Virginia, Gay: Scruff. Seems like more of the men are my type or interested in me.
BEND O.: Sniffies’ geo-tracking is opening up a whole new component to cruising. You now get real-time data on your odds. Is it going to be an easy hunt? Is the top-to-bottom ratio in my favor? Is there going to be competition?
JOSE R., 42, D.C., Gay: Grindr. No frills, and easy to use. Not as extreme as Sniffies.
WAAGE: Scruff. I like more than another apps because it’s the most direct to fuck and meet real people.
JAMES W., 35, D.C., Gay: Sniffies. Can use the website without downloading the app.
What was your best cruising experience?
WOLFY BEARENWOLFF: Went to a bar. I am a cowboy/biker type. This guy was dressed for a rodeo and had his whip. He was at a table against the side wall. I had been looking around. We made some eye contact. I went and stood near his table. He was casually flicking the whip around near his feet. He flicked it over toward my feet, I didn’t move or react adversely. So he flicked it over my leg, then further up my leg. I just looked at him and grinned. So he came over, and we talked and ended up at his place.
BOTTOM4U: I was walking out of a House of Reps. office after a meeting that ran to 8 p.m. Ran to the bathroom, and in the bathroom one of the hottest members of congress was pissing. I saw his big dick. He saw me looking, and he asked if I wanted to go to his office. I said yes, we went to his office, he fucked me over his desk. After he finished, we went to my place and he fucked me three more times. Sadly, he lost reelection.
COREY C.: In the ’90s, when I was still married and in the closet, I knew every place on the local university campus where you could find T-room sex with college guys.
E.C.: I met my current boyfriend cruising at a bar, so that was fun! We were both wearing pup masks, so we were technically talking to each other in person before actually seeing each other’s faces.
JEREMY C.: I love a gay nude beach, so probably my favorite cruising experiences have been at places like Marshall Beach in San Francisco or Wreck Beach in Vancouver, where I’ve been able to have loads of fun with multiple guys but also make friends, too.
JUDE C.: The college years were best. Finding a little adventure in restrooms or parks. You could easily find another college student, but more often older, married men looking for a release.
CHANDLER D.: I took myself to Montana for a few days just to get some quiet, do some hiking, and visit Glacier National Park. I’d been hiking all day, and back at the hotel, I opened Grindr to see a cute twunk asking me about my trip. He suggested we hit a bar and chat. We drank some beers and headed back to my room, where he eventually put himself into a full split while riding me. What an easy and beautiful time to be a gay guy with access to an app that can create this scenario.
THOMAS H.: There’s an amazing place along the river here in Austin with two gazebos. It’s a famous cruising location. I went out there one night, around midnight, on a weekend. I had so many guys on me within minutes. I literally took 10 loads in less than 30 minutes. And then swallowed four more after that.
E.H. HOTBOX: The best are the most spontaneous and unexpected. I remember once stopping at a restroom that was known for cruising with the intention of simply using the bathroom. I was followed into the bathroom by what appeared to be a military, muscular straight man. While I was urinating in a stall, I left the door open, and the man came in, forcibly closed the door, pushed me onto my knees and fed me his dick. He was aggressive, masculine, and unrelenting. He achieved orgasm and immediately left me on the floor, covered in his nut, and with my pants around my ankles, and my spit running down my cheeks. It was a true moment of man-to-man, animalistic behavior.
KRIST H.: One where we didn’t say more than 30 words during the whole hook up! We spoke with our eyes a lot.
KRIS KRINGLE: An orgy that was a naked party at first. Cruising started during the party, which then became a full on orgy with lots of people participating, of all ages and races. My first time, and it was fantastic.
LANGSTON M., 56, Georgia, Gay: When I was invited to a cumdump event, and, to my surprise, the cumdump turned out to be one of my favorite porn stars.
N2DEEP NWIDE: My first experience started out unintentional. I was gay curious and a double virgin (no guys or women). Right after I graduated college, I went to a friend’s wedding down South. I was on my own and happened to enter a random downtown bar. It was a mixed crowd, but I noticed the guys were sort of clustered separately and were dancing together. After a few come-ons, I realized where I was. With butterflies in my stomach, I decided to keep projecting an innocent look as I cruised to find someone who was suitable to satisfy my curiosity. And did he ever.
BEND O.: Honestly, the pre-app days of cruising P Street Beach after the bars and clubs closed was epic.
JOSE R.: Met a guy on Grindr a few years ago, and we kept hooking up and it just morphed into dating for a year. We’re still friends.
ROGER RABBIT, 58, D.C., Gay: Met my husband at work 25 years ago walking from lunch, and the rest is history!
J.S., 77, D.C., Gay: In a car at a rest stop in South Carolina. Pulled in for a rest after six hours on the road and met a young college student into older men.
ALEC SCUDDER: Barcode in Richmond. I was in my 20s, just out of college, and just starting to figure myself out. I was out and about on my own, caught the eye of a gentleman in his 40s with beautiful blue eyes — they cut through the cigarette smoke in the room. (So that dates this story a bit.) We started chatting, hit it off, took our conversation to the back patio, where it was quieter and the air was clearer, made out a bit, and, of course, I followed him home. We saw each other a number of times until I landed a job in D.C. a few months later. That was the first time I met another gay man who I felt was interested in me for me — and that another gay man was looking out for me and had the incredible patience for being with a newly out twentysomething still figuring out that part of himself. It was sexy and exciting, and it set a high bar for what I wanted out of a guy. I’m deeply thankful for that time with him.
DAN T., 35, New York, Bisexual: Fucking someone from another country that I followed on Instagram. I ran into them randomly in Mexico at a sauna, and we became friends after.
What was your worst cruising experience?
WOLFY BEARENWOLFF: At a bathhouse: I was with someone and was looking to set up an experience for me as I had never been to a bathhouse before. I found a guy that was set up for a dungeon experience. I negotiated the scene, and my friend was to come back and get me after a set time. As soon as my friend left, the guy blindfolded me, shackled me, and then moved me to a different room. He started muttering about not liking limits and restrictions and how he “used up” his last sub. He then proceeded to disregard everything we had negotiated. My friend came back for me, [but] could not find me as I had been moved. So he started checking every room, and eventually had to go to bathhouse management and threaten to have the police called in to look for me. Management then helped, and I was located and gotten away from the guy. The bathhouse was closed soon after that.
J.B.: A hotel in Salt Lake City. The guy I was with was into group sex, but no one else replied except for me. We were having a good time together and really vibing, and then a knock on the door — he forgot he asked another person over. The new guy was insane, and by the end of the session, we were both traumatized and holding each other.
E.C.: One guy was balls deep in me and decided it was an appropriate time to psychoanalyze me. He told me I had commitment issues based on my star sign. It was just…ew.
CHANDLER D.: I was at a big pool party and caught the attention of a stunning 6’6″ blonde, snowboarder type who invited me up to his room. We were having an amazing night when suddenly I hear a door, and he says “Shit.” His lifeguard boyfriend comes in and starts yelling, and I back my mouth off him and go to stand up, and he says, “Don’t stop.” The boyfriend stormed out, and my guy wanted to finish as his man was throwing things around in the other room of the suite. It was nerve-wracking!
MAX E.: After a back-and-forth on Scruff, I met this guy at my doorway naked, as he had requested. He came down the stairs to see me standing there, took me in for what felt like five minutes, and turned me down. I was crushed.
BAYBE GOTBACK: Getting fisted at P Street Beach, only not being “prepared”, walking out of the woods to my car with cloth seats, covered in poop and nothing to clean it with.
THOMAS H.: I don’t think I’ve ever had a really bad cruising experience. I think because my ass is always ready.
E.H. HOTBOX: The worst experiences are when someone simply does not know how to take no for an answer. Just because you are cruising, doesn’t mean that you will relate to anyone else who is cruising. Cruisers need to respect one another.
LANGSTON M.: Showed up to a guy’s house, and he was stinky, and his place was a mess. I immediately walked out.
BEND O.: Having someone try to shake me down for money.
JOSE R.: Had cash taken out of my wallet while I was in the bathroom. They confessed after I left and asked them about it. They were struggling financially. They offered to return it, but it wasn’t worth the hassle.
MARK S., 60, New York, Bisexual: When a guy asked me for money after the fact and got very threatening when I refused. Since then, I have carried a knife when cruising.
ALEC SCUDDER: Barcode in Richmond. Our eyes locked, he came over, the music was loud, I leaned in to listen to what he was saying, and I soon felt his tongue go right into my ear. If we were really hitting it off and sex were imminent, I might have responded differently. But right after hello? It’s just not my speed.
BOB WHITE, 60, Ontario, Gay: Trapped in a car with the doors locked!
What precautions do you take when hooking up with someone from an app?
JAY A.: Always trust a friend and tell them where you are going, and make clear to the person you meet that people know where you are.
J. B., 59, U.S., Gay: Generally I only hook up with people who I have seen around town.
COREY C.: If I am hosting, especially after dark, I ask for a face picture so I know who I am letting in the door. A trick was here recently, and there was a sizable knife that fell out of his pocket. I found it after he left. No more after-dark hookups.
JEREMY C.: I avoid giving my phone number before I meet someone, as I don’t know them, and have had past instances of giving my phone number and having [the other person] not get the hint that I was no longer interested.
CHANDLER D.: I always ask when someone’s last [STI] test was. And I don’t usually say yes to pushy guys because it makes me feel like they’re in it for a reason besides simple pleasure, which is all I’m really looking for.
E.H. HOTBOX: It is important not to give addresses and apartment numbers until physically meeting. I am in complete disbelief and wondering as to how men leave their doors open ass up and blindfolded with so many predators using the apps to do harm. It’s just not smart.
N2DEEP NWIDE: Chat, phone number, check location. Go for the “good feeling” and then hook up with faith and hope.
BEND O.: Not having anything of value on my personal.
JOSE R.: Take screenshots of where I’m going and make sure they upload to the cloud in case I get murdered.
DAN T.: Quite a bit of talking and never same-day hookups.
JAMES W.: Try to avoid anyone into PnP.
When you meet someone in person and they are not who they purported to be online, what do you do?
JOHN C.: It depends on who I am interacting with. If I don’t feel threatened, I calmly say, “I am sorry, but this is not going to work for me,” and leave. If I feel threatened, I say, “My Sister is texting me. It’s an emergency. Sorry, I have to leave.”
JEREMY C.: I generally say that I’m not feeling it anymore, which is true but also vague enough that it could just be a “me” issue and not a “them” issue.
JUDE CEE: I’ve never had it happen where I ditched a hookup. The pics may not match, but close enough.
CHANDLER D.: Honestly? (And my friends make fun of me for this.) I just do it anyway. I’m not confrontational enough to point it out and leave upon arrival. Maybe it’s just a “cope,” but after the deed is done, I sort of have this sick feeling of pride, like I’ve done them a favor for giving myself to them when it wasn’t deserved.
JOHN D., 37, D.C., Bisexual: Leave.
KRIST H.: I usually try to give them a chance to explain and present their case. If not I excuse myself and let them know it is time to end the night.
E.H. HOTBOX: Although this can be disappointing at that moment, you may choose to continue with the encounter. If not, leave. I try not to host. When going to someone else’s home, you have more control over getting out of a situation that goes wrong.
KRIS KRINGLE: I’ve backed out once, but I often go through with it, salvaging the situation as best as possible.
LANGSTON M.: Depends how horny I am.
BEND O.: Are we talking looks or penis size?
What is your biggest frustration with cruising apps?
A.D., 60, Maryland, Gay: People can lie about their age. It’s very annoying.
J.B.: I like to flirt in person. I hate having a 5-minute conversation over days.
JOHN C.: My biggest frustration is when guys are not honest about showing up. We make arrangements to meet, and they don’t show and don’t bother to tell me. They just vanish. Things can change quickly, it happens, and I don’t need an explanation. Just tell me your situation has changed and you cannot meet.
JUDE CEE: I don’t like the ghosting. Why do you engage when you have no intention of going through with the plan?
BIG JOHN D., 65, Georgia, Bisexual: Age discrimination.
CHANDLER D.: It all used to be simpler. It’s very corporate now. Kind of takes the wind out of my 5″ inseam sails. I don’t want to see a damn Hertz car rental ad before being allowed to open my hot neighbor’s dick pic.
MAX E.: I am constantly frustrated by the bots and fake profiles out there. Sometimes it’s like gardening, and you have so many weeds to get through.
BAYBE GOTBACK: I want to filter out anyone that I am not interested in quickly. I don’t want multiple steps to block someone. I just want them gone, so when I open my app, I can see only new guys or the ones I have not swiped out. Swipe left, swipe right, never see their profile again and only receive new alerts of new men near me, not the same [guys] I have already fucked or not interested in. Also, screw anonymity. Let me upload my account, verify with ID, so that if shit goes down, it is really easy to identify who that person was. There is a creep in Arlington that threatens people, and nothing can ever be done because the profiles are too easy to create. I would feel safer knowing that the app knows who I am meeting, even if the information is not shared unless there is an issue. Finally, can Apple come out with a dick-measuring app? I would love to start requiring proof for dick size. Some of these queens think centimeters are inches.
E.H. HOTBOX: People who just collect pictures and have no intention of meeting up, and people that lie. I have been given an address and a name, even an apartment number, and have arrived at that address and apartment, knocked on the door, and had someone say to me they had no idea who I was or why I was there.
KRIS KRINGLE: They limit access to earlier messages between people unless you pay. They are in for the money, not to facilitate hookups, after all.
LUIGI M., 58, D.C., Gay: The amount of fake profiles, and then real people that are liars. So much time wasted in the last few years talking to people who were fake.
BEND O.: Guys being mean. Many guys are quick to comment about a person’s age, weight, looks, etc. It’s almost like they forget that there’s an actual person on the other side of that app.
MARK S.: That it’s not like it used to be. It’s nowhere near as fun as it was in the ’70s and ’80s.
U STREET GUY: Some guys like manners. If you’re not interested, just say, “Hey man, not a match. Happy Hunting.” That is better than an automatic delete or block. Just be an adult. And be nice.
What do you like most about cruising apps?
JAY A.: The ability to meet and connect with like-minded people and have some safe fun.
WOLFY BEARENWOLFF: You can see a lot of profiles in a short time. You can find people that meet your interests.
BOTTOM4U: Love how I can look at profiles of places I am visiting and have dick waiting for me at my hotel before I even check in.
JEREMY C.: I love the sense of possibility and adventure. It’s also a nice way to meet people and find compatibility.
CHANDLER D.: I know how this sounds, but I really do value the community. I see everyone around me that’s also gay and single or looking for thirds with their husbears, and it feels comforting knowing you’ve got people around you that aren’t boring or scary straight cyborgs.
E.H. HOTBOX: Location and activity on Sniffies are terrific. That’s about it. The other apps are endless touched-up photographs, people’s unrealistic expectations, and people who think that something better is going to come along, so they never hook up and leave you waiting.
LUIGI M.: The immediate convenience of always being able to cruise whenever I am in the mood.
N2DEEP NWIDE: Keeping in touch with best buds.
BEND O.: It can certainly save time and money when you don’t have to go to a bar or club to try to find someone.
ALEC SCUDDER: It certainly isn’t financially possible to be out and social every day of the week. The work nights can feel a little lonely and isolating. And I want to be in LGBTQ [spaces], and those social spots aren’t as prevalent as spaces that aren’t specifically designated as LGBTQ. Having guys I can DM with and be social with in some capacity can curb the isolation a bit. It’s not as good as what the gay.com chatrooms used to be — where lots of guys would be on and conversation would shift to all manner of subjects, so there would eventually be opportunities for you to jump in and let your personality show through and get a sense of other folks. But the apps are what I have to work with, and I just try to make them work.
