How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a bisexual male who is no longer in the closet. But for the purposes of hook-up apps, I am somewhat discreet. Overall, I reserve my face photos for within chats and never post them to my profile.
I should note that IF I chat with someone who does have face pictures on their profile, 90 percent of the time if I’m interested, I will share my own unprompted within my first couple of messages. What annoys me to no end is dudes demanding my face pic before showing their own. I know this is such a minor hill to die on but it really annoys me.
For me, it feels incredibly rude to demand my photo before/without showing your own. I use the phrase “demand” because I will frequently respond with something like, “Sure, if I can see yours” after which they either (1) insist I send it first, “I asked you first” or (2) stop responding. I would appreciate it if you could help me mentally reframe how I’m approaching this. Am I wrong? Or as you commonly say in other columns, should I just appreciate that the apps have an inherent filtering mechanism—i.e. if you’re not vibing on the app, you’re not likely to click in real life either?
I will also note that I always share body and nude photos in my first chats and some dudes haven’t even shared ANY photos at all before they ask for face or even additional nudes—all without offering anything back. Who do these guys think they are? Some Adonis that can’t be bothered to share pics while demanding them from others? I grew up on the Golden Rule and strive to treat others that way.
—Irony Suits You Well
Dear Irony Suits You Well,
You are completely correct: This behavior is annoying. People will ask for all kinds of photos without offering any in return. That’s a red flag, and yes, it is an opportunity for you to let people filter themselves out. I don’t know what’s going on in people’s minds, and surely it varies widely even in a recurring scenario as specific as the one you describe. But if I had to guess, I’d go with this being less about guys thinking they’re Adonises or much of anything for that matter, and more about them not recognizing the humanity of the people they’re chatting with. There are many reasons they could be doing this and one of them is warranted self-defense: There are a lot of liars and weirdos out there and people may feel the need to keep the upper hand. It’s a bit of a power move and certainly ungenerous. But if this is how they treat potential sex partners, it may portend the way they treat actual sex partners—that is, not as fully human. That might be fine for those who want quick, no-strings sex fueled by mutual use, but if you’re seeking a bit more than that, say, connection (even if it’s fleeting), beware of such behavior.
My philosophy is, the size of the market being what it is, you can afford to lose many options. If someone engages in behavior on apps that don’t sit well with you, move on and find someone who meets your standards of politeness. It simply isn’t worth the effort to have mediocre (or worse!) sex with someone rude. Further, if the apps annoy you regularly, consider a break and diversify your cruising grounds (in actual cruising spaces or gay bars/clubs). As much as I wish it were, life is not a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. The foibles and irritations of humanity can rarely be spun into gold or twisted into a narratively satisfying callback down the line. They are simply foibles and irritations. Try not to let them get to you. One way to get at that is to interpret everyone’s behavior in good faith—people are doing what they think they have to in order to make themselves comfortable. Yes, it’s annoying that this sometimes comes at the expense of others, but we live in a cruel world that offers little security. Let people be themselves and find the ones you want to spend time with.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
My boyfriend and I started attending social clubs for people who are into kinky sex (they’re called “munches”) after he discovered I have some unconventional sexual preferences. He is very cerebral and is an extreme empath (sometimes he knows me better than I know myself), is extroverted (I’m not), and can understand a person within minutes of talking to them. He sees that I’ve come out of my shell and that I’m having fun talking to other like-minded people, and he wants to support me…
