Over five years, Daizy Maan thinks she has been on “around 150 to 200 dates”.
“I’ve swiped so much on dating apps that I started wondering whether I might get carpal tunnel,” she told the ABC.
Explaining the perils of modern dating to her mum, the 30-year-old said dating apps “were just like matchmaking in India, but with technology”.
In South Asian cultures, arranged marriages often mean parents are involved in their child’s matchmaking process.
“People exchange ‘biodata’,” the Melbourne woman said.
This includes a person’s name, location, occupation and “other unimportant factors like caste and skin colour”.
“Parents would then go through each biodata and choose someone for their daughter, or ask her who she preferred.”
Daizy says that talking about dating and relationships still feels taboo in South Asian communities. (Supplied)
In the wake of the federal government announcement of a nationwide industry code of conduct for dating apps, the ABC asked women of colour about their dating app experiences and whether they thought the initiative would make a difference.
The interviews provide a rare insight.
Daizy said women in the South Asian diaspora in particular did not feel comfortable talking about their relationships.
“I rarely see South Asian women open up about their dating lives because growing up in Australia, we’re taught that it’s shameful and taboo,” she said.
Daizy said she had found Australia’s technology-enabled dating culture to be more laid-back than other countries.
“There’s a fair bit of casteism with Indian men I’ve dated here,” she said, in reference to the Indian class system, which divides Hindus into rigid hierarchical groups.
“I think when it comes to South Asians, the community can be quite conservative.”
‘An Indian accent? Ew’
Sheetal Deo, a lawyer from the Gold Coast, met her current partner on Tinder but they both often talk about how “racist and superficial” dating apps can be.
Born in Canada, Sheetal said her Canadian accent had led to “confronting” experiences.
“My privilege as someone who sounds ‘white’ was invisible to me,” the 35-year-old said.
Sheetal said when she would tell people on the apps that she had an accent, they would only look at her brown skin.
“Their responses were, ‘Like an Indian accent? Ew.’ I was taken aback.”
Sheetal says people would assume she had an Indian accent, despite being born in and growing up in Canada. (Supplied)
“I corrected them, saying I have a Canadian accent, which was then met with ‘Oh, that’s hot, then.'”
Indonesian woman Tesa Rudangta also met her partner through a dating app in 2022.
Before meeting her now-husband, she had concerns about online dating in another country with a different culture.
Tesa Rudangta met her husband Josh Juozapaitis through a dating app. (Supplied)
However, while Tesa said she had friends who had unpleasant experiences with dating apps, she felt lucky to have never experienced discomfort with her matches.
“Most of the guys who matched with me wouldn’t hold my hand if I’m not OK with that,” she said.
“But if they could make dating apps safer, why not?”
Nationwide changes to dating apps
The dating app code of conduct was adopted following a 2022 Australian Institute of Criminology study which found three in four people it surveyed had been subjected to sexual violence facilitated by dating apps in the prior five years.
The code will require dating apps to detect potential incidents of “online-enabled” harm and take action against users who violate a company’s online safety policies.
Apps must also display complaint and reporting mechanisms, and provide regular reports to the eSafety commissioner detailing the number of Australian accounts terminated and their content moderation activities.
A new rating system will also be in place on the apps, so users can assess how they measure up against their safety obligations.
Communications Minister Michelle Rowland said the code would be enforceable from April next year.
“Online dating is now the most common way to meet a partner in Australia, however, the level of violence and abuse experienced by users of these platforms is deeply concerning,” Ms Rowland said in a statement.
Racism not an issue for all, unlike safety
Vanessa, who asked to use a pseudonym, said using dating apps in Australia was “slightly better” than in her home country, Indonesia.
She has been using dating apps in Melbourne for about a year because she wanted to meet men outside of her bubble.
“The users are more chill here, they don’t really judge how we look,” she said.
A recent study found three in four people who had used dating apps over five years experienced sexual violence. (Pexels: cottonbro studio)
However, Vanessa still worried about meeting matches in person.
“Honestly, the fear is always there because we are meeting a stranger we don’t know at all,” she said.
“There’s always concern about safety.”
She welcomed the new online dating code as she thought it would make users feel safer.
Apps should ‘make space’ for families
Dating apps could possibly be seen as “threatening” to some South Asian families who dislike their daughters being on them, said Shameem Black from the Australian National University’s South Asia Research Institute.
“It could be because the apps remove families from the introduction process of dating,” Professor Black said.
But there’s an extra step for people of colour.
In order for diverse users to feel safe on dating apps, Professor Black said the apps needed to “make space for people’s cultural backgrounds/families to be part of the picture”.
“Including these communities in discussions and decisions about the apps, and what they would like out of them, is a start,” she said.
‘You’re pretty for a brown girl’
Some women of colour feel unsure about how the new code will protect them from racism on the apps.
Kriti Gupta from Sydney is one of them.
“Sometimes people match with you just to shout insanities at you,” she said.
“Other times, men have said to me, ‘You’re pretty for a brown girl.'”
Kriti Gupta says men’s treatment of women needs to be in the spotlight. (Supplied)
Kriti said Hinge was the app she experienced “the most racism on”.
“Hinge is the only app where you can filter by ethnicity,” the 28-year-old social media strategist said.
Hinge’s ethnicity filter is “an intentional app design that makes it easier for daters to express themselves and connect with people”, a Hinge spokesperson told the ABC.
“Users from minority groups are often forced to be surrounded by the majority. The ethnicity preference option supports our users of colour in finding a partner with shared cultural experiences and background.”
While Kriti welcomed the new code, she said the focus should not only be on the apps.
“I think it’s less about what the apps are doing and much more about the way men treat women in Australia,” she said.
